So I was in the cinema the other day trying to pinpoint the exact detail on this movie poster that makes me never want to see this film for as long as I live:

It was actually kind of tough to work out. Was it John Travolta, doing that pose that says hey, what can you do, am I right? Sure, that's a factor. But that's not the kicker. Nor was it Seth Green being loved against his will by a plastic prop gorilla.

No, in the end, I finally saw it.

Robin fucking Williams.

His mere presence, I realised, is enough to make me want to move to a shack in the Andes to remove any chance that I might ever see so much as five minutes of this movie. I don't know what it's about, but I don't want to look it up because I fear that even seeing a trailer will make me rip my monitor out of its socket and hurl it out the window. It doesn't matter, anyway. I know everything I need to know from this poster. In a brilliant example of minimalist promotion, I feel like I have seen the whole film already. John Travolta is again a careless, happy-go-lucky middle-aged greaser. There are some gorilla-related shenanigans at some point. And Robin Williams is there, doing anything whatsoever.

To that effect, it suddenly occurred to me that this is a recurring sentiment for me - knowing that Robin Williams is in a movie is enough information alone for me to avoid that film as though the celluloid is stitched together with AIDS and hate.

 
Kindly fuck off, Robin Williams.

I don't know at what point I decided that Robin Williams is the thesbian equivalent of the ebola virus. I have fond memories of all those Walt Disney kids' films he did, and I sort of remember him as this lovable dopey uncle sort of character. Now that I'm old and miserable, I realise that I can't stand his stupid fucking face. I hate his little smug grin thing he does and his wrinkly old man cheeks. Every word out of his mouth makes me want to punch him until my knuckles come away red. I hate his little lost-childhood ADHD act that he has where he kind of babbles away about nothing in particular seriously Robin Williams what is that shit cut it out. You are a grown man.

So then I got to wondering. Just how powerful is my aversion to Robin Williams? Would I actually avoid an otherwise high-quality film just because it happens to feature Robin Williams? Could it be that I am actually missing out on some of the most memorable and iconic films of my generation because of my overwhelming desire to not see Robin Williams at any cost? Does the Williams factor cloud my judgement beyond any hope of rational reasoning? I decided to put it to a thought experiment.

The Experiment: Basically what I did was I imagined that Robin Williams was in some movies that I liked, and then asked myself if I would still see those movies. My thought process is helpfully illustrated in red.

#1

IRON MAN

Oh hell yes.

The wealthy and brilliant industrialist Tony Stark is forced to construct a robotic battle suit with his bare hands after he is captured by Afghan rebels.

I'm already hard.

Now armed with the power of a human Sherman Tank, Stark sets out to defeat evil in all its guises.

I'm going to see this movie so hard that the screen will explode.

Starring Robert Downey, Jr

YES YES YES.

And Robin Williams.

I am going to stay home and watch the Australian Idol grand final.

EXPERIMENT FAILED.

#2

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

A new film by the Coen Brothers.

Those are always good quality.

A modern day fable of the human condition follows Llewelyn Moss, a simple and impoverished working man in rural Texas who unwittingly stumbles upon the aftermath of a botched drug deal.

Do tell me more.

The decision he makes throws him into a hurricane of violence and terror the likes of which no man is prepared to stand against.

This sounds like a thrilling and thought-provoking cinema experience.

Starring Robin Williams.

I would rather eat my own face.

EXPERIMENT FAILED.

#3

TRUE ROMANCE

An action-packed black comedy thriller written by Quentin Tarantino.

This will be a delightful romp.

Christian Slater stars as Clarence Worley, a lonely everyman who falls in love with a beautiful prostitute named Alabama. After a whirlwind romance, the lovers find themselves caught out of their depth in the dangerous world of drugs and gangsters amidst the glamour of Hollywood.

This is exactly what I need after a hard working week. What a perfect way to unwind and lose myself in the thrill and comedy of a Tarantino-penned gangster epic.

Features an ensemble cast of Hollywood's finest, including Brad Pitt and Christopher Walken.

I like those guys a lot.

And a memorable, though brief, cameo appearance by Robin Williams.

I don't even want to walk past the cinema while this film is playing.

EXPERIMENT FAILED.

The Results: As it turns out, my hatred for Robin Williams is practically boundless. In fact, during this experiment I also tried to imagine if a very good movie, say, The Godfather, had originally contained scenes featuring Robin Williams, and that those scenes had been edited out of the final release. Would I still see the movie? I concluded that I would not.

Furthermore, I imagined a movie for which one of the parts had originally been offered to Robin Williams, but which for one reason or another had been recast. In this case I would probably see the film, but be unable to enjoy it.

In conclusion, I guess you can say that Robin Williams makes my life a just slightly more torturous existence. For all I know, Old Dogs might be this generation's Citizen Kane. The kind of film that people will be talking about for the next century, picked apart and studied and appreciated by film students forever. I'll never know, because if anyone ever tries to show it to me, I will kick them in the face and arms.

For my next experiment, I hope to discover why it is that I will continue to see every godawful piece of crap that features Jessica Alba.