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I'm author Dan Brown and I'm going to
blow your fucking
mind. You know all that stuff you know about history? Forget it. I'm
gonna tell you the real story about history and it's all
secret societies and grand conspiracies and Carmen Sandiago-style
cryptic archaeology puzzles. You think history is boring? Oh yeah, well
you're about to get Dan Browned, bitch. I'm a fucking serious
novelist, just look at my turtleneck skivvy. |
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Let's face it, I'm better than this. But not even
I can walk past a zillion-dollar contract for a Ron Howard production
with a built-in Dan Brown blowjob audience. This'll be like a break
between projects in which I actually have to act. |
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I'm a Catholic priest, raised all my life in the
Vatican, which means that my broad Scottish accent makes no goddamn
sense. |
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I'm a member of an ancient secret society of
science. Using science, we have the ability to write words that look
the same when viewed upside-down. We will use this ability for evil. |
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The Large Hadron Collider is a science-related
thing you may have heard of, as consumers of popular media. Since you
don't understand science, we're going to go ahead and suggest that the
LHC produces enormous amounts of volatile and explosive material as a
side-effect of science. |
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Tom Hanks, you're a maverick! You're out of
control! The mayor is breathing down my neck and I'm only three days
from retirement. You're going to have to turn in your gun and badge
because in this department we do things by the book. |
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Aha! I will use science to destroy the Vatican,
because a thousand years ago religion and science had sort of a rivalry
going on and science never forgives. I'm also going to kill
lots of innocent people for no reason. |
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We must stop the secret science illuminati by
following clues. |
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ACTION clues. |
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I will oppose your well-meaning academic
knowledge at every turn with open hostility. |
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Now I'm gonna make history fun! |
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Quick! We have to decode Gallileo's ancient clues
to follow a secret trail through the Vatican to uncover a complicated
conspiracy! Exactly like that other, more popular Dan Brown story. |
| |
(an hour of hollow, cheap, vacuous storyline) |
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Nooo! Tom Hanks, how did you infiltrate my
awesome plan to use upside-down writing and quantum physics to destroy
religion? |
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Your mistake was in tipping off your victims that
you would destroy them only after unveiling your scheme by way of an
intricate yet easily-followed series of clues. |
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Ohhh yeah, that's history motherfuckers! You just
got your face rocked off by the social sciences. |
