 |
Hello. I'm this series' recurring
wild card character. Am I good or am I evil? You don't quite know yet.
I'll open this film by making a mysterious pact with the villains, for
reasons which will, suspensefully, not yet be revealed. |
 |
This film called for a dark, gothic female
character who is dressed in black lace and gothic and stuff. For some
strange reason, they cast me, Helena Bonham Carter. It must be my
amazing range as an actress. It is I with whom Alan Rickman makes his
mysterious pact. I bet you want to know why! |
 |
Wow, such suspense! Now for two hours of nothing
but my efforts to hook up with the annoying redhead kid. |
| |
TWO HOURS LATER |
 |
Oh shit, we're running out of time!! Time to
start thinking about plot development. Okay, Harry Potter, listen up. I
need you to make Jim Broadbent tell you how to defeat Voldemort. |
 |
All right. Hey Jim, why don't you go ahead and
tell us? After all, you really have no reason to withhold that
information. |
 |
Never! |
|
Fine. I will solve this problem, as usual, by
using a deus ex machin- I mean, a magic spell. |
|
Well, okay. Voldemort has put his soul into some
shit and hidden it somewhere, so to destroy him you have to find the
magical artifact. |
|
Thanks. Hey Dumbledore, Voldemort has put his
soul into- |
|
Yeah I know. And I know exactly where the
artifact is. Follow me to a cave now. |
|
Ok. |
|
Be careful! Voldemort has protected his magical
artifacts with magical traps. We have to tread carefully because magic.
|
 |
INEXPLICABLE ZOMBIE ATTACK! |
|
Quick, Dumbledore, use MAGIC! |
|
Success! Oh wait, the artifact was a fake. Which
means that the only actual thing that happens in this film was all for
nothing. |
|
And now, I will murder Dumbledore. |
|
Wait.... why? |
|
I don't remember. It's been so long since the
beginning of the film that I've forgotten my motivation. In any event,
ABRACADABRA! |
|
NOOOOOO!!!! Dumbledore!!! Why didn't you defend
yourself using MAGIC? |
|
Yeah, I probably should have thought of that. |
|
Wait a second, who is the "half-blood prince"
mentioned in the title of the film? |
|
I am. |
|
You say that as though it's some massive
revelation, but absolutely no weight has been placed on this particular
mystery. I mean, what does that even mean? |
|
Well, you see- Oh dear! We're out of time. Looks
like you'll have to wait yet another year in the hope that this plot
will advance one inch since 2003. |
 |
This is yet another film of nothing but
unsubstantial filler! And yet, we're trillionaires! |
