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I'm Hancock, a superhero with a
twist! Instead of a valiant, brave defender of the innocents, I'm an
alcoholic miscreant whose incompetant approach to fighting crime winds
up creating more damage than the crime itself. That's comedy gold! |
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Hancock, you have an image problem. Everyone
hates you. |
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I don't give a fuck! (Did you catch that? That's
the one swear word I'm allowed to say without the rating for this film
being bumped up a notch, alienating half of our possible audience) |
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Listen, I can help you. I'm a public relations
consultant, and together we can scrub up that tainted image of yours!
Since you're the same arrogant, wise-cracking, sassy black guy that
Will Smith always plays, and I'm the same neurotic, wussy,
heart-of-gold, loveable klutz that Jason Bateman always plays, wacky
hijinks are sure to ensue. |
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Holy bubbles! I don't give a rat's eye about any
of that bulldoodle. Go truck yourself. |
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Don't be such an asshole. |
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Darn it. Usually I'm completely nonchalant about
the problems and opinions of other people, but due to a quirk in my
personality, I am instantly driven to action and poor decisions
whenever someone utters that word. You can look forward to this device
being used about four hundred more times in this film. |
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Wait, wasn't that the same device that was
already wearing thin by the time Michael J. Fox used it to death in the
Back to the Future movies? |
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I don't give a damn about no time-travel-ass
cracka. |
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Look, the first thing you need to do is go to
prison for a few years. Even though this will be a purely tokenistic
action, being that you could simply walk out of prison any time you
like, it will prove to the people that you are willing to take
responsibility for your actions. Also, the futile irony of putting a
superhero in jail will open us up for more jokes! |
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Dayam! |
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I'm Jason Bateman's mysterious wife, and I've
adopted an instant and uncharacteristic loathing toward Hancock for
reasons that will become relevant later. |
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Hancock, your time has come at last! A bank
robbery is taking place, and you are the only man who can stop it.
Quick, put on this ridiculous costume! |
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You have changed my ways! I'll stop this crime
using comedy! |
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Hooray! You've saved the day! |
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Now that my character arc has completely resolved
during the first hour of the film, you'd think there's nowhere else
that we can go with this idea. And you'd be right! We're just going to
throw the whole thing off into a dark, gritty tangent. You see, I've
fallen in love with your bitch wife, and intend to reward your selfless
dedication to my redemption by boning her. |
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No you won't! Because I have superpowers as well.
You see, we are the only remaining members of an ancient race of
immortals. We've actually been married for millennia, but you forgot
this due to amnesia. Or something like that. Surprise. |
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You know, I probably should be more shocked by
this revelation, but I have all the emotive range of a hardwood
end-table, to I'm going to respond with a similar level of interest to
which I would if I found a quarter under my sofa. |
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Here's the thing. We borrowed most of this
concept from Highlander, but basically, if the two of us come
into close proximity, we both lose our powers and become mortal. That
is why we sacrificed our love and went seperate ways. God damn, this is
so dark and gritty! |
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Wait, wait, hold on a second. Wasn't this a comedy
fifteen minutes ago? And since the entirity of the promotion for this
film suggested it was a comedy all about a drunk, incompetant
superhero, doesn't this break from formula constitute a deception, if
not full-out fraud, against the cinemagoing public?
|
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Probably. But we exhausted that concept too soon,
and now we're just going to be emo for the next hour. |
| |
(emo for the next hour) |
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Being that this is supposed to be a superhero
movie, you'd probably expect me to engage in a fierce, high-budget
battle against the villain at the climax. However, because I've lost
all my powers due to love, and we never really established a major
villain anyway, I'm just going to have the shit beaten out of me for a
few minutes. |
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Jason Bateman to the rescue! I'll defeat the bad
guys in a hilarious manner, just to remind the audience that this was a
comedy movie at some point. |
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I guess now it's time for me to sacrifice my
happiness for the greater good. I promise I will no longer try to bone
Charlize Theron. |
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Fag. |
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So hey, don't you think it's awfully depressing
that you will remain young forever, watching both myself and your son
grow old and die, as well as everyone else you love from now until the
end of time? |
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We shall not discuss this. I insist that this is
to be considered a happy ending. |
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What a clusterfudge of a movie. |
