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I'm a superintelligent weapons
tycoon. I'm here to sell the United States military a brand new hi-tech
superweapon, and for some reason I have to travel all the way to a
conflict zone in Afghanistan to do that. The weapon is basically just a
cluster bomb. |
 |
I'm the token black sidekick, and besides that I
don't really serve a purpose in the plot of this film. By Hollywood
law, it's mandatory that I say "dayam!" at least once in this
movie. |
 |
I'm a terrorist. Robert Downey Jr, I am going to
kidnap you and force you to build me a weapon of mass destruction. With
your bare hands. In a cave. With a box of spare parts. Even though your
company is basically giving me free weapons anyway. |
|
That's basically the equivalent of asking a
raccoon with stone-age tools to build the Hubble Space Telescope. But
ok. |
 |
I'm a plot device. I will assist you. Also, there
is some shrapnel in your body, and I have saved your life using the
most far-fetched method possible. |
|
Hey, I have an idea. Instead of building a bomb,
we'll use these shitty materials to construct a futuristic battle suit.
In a month. With my bare fucking hands. |
|
We can't be bothered monitoring your activities,
so I'm just going to ask you. Are you building a bomb, or a futuristic
battle suit that you will use to kill us? |
|
Bomb. |
|
...all right then. |
 |
SURPRISE!!! FUTURISTIC BATTLE
SUIT DESTROY!!! |
|
Nooooo!!!! |
| |
(later) |
 |
I'm so glad you're alive! Even though you're a
complete asshole, just like every other woman in this movie I am
secretly in love with you. Because women are stupid. |
 |
As your partner in the company, and definitely
not secretly the villain who wants to kill you, I too am glad you are
alive. |
|
My first action will be to shut down all the
weapons-related divisions of my weapons company. My experiences have
made me a pacifist. I see no financial penalties for this decision. |
|
...hey now. |
|
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to build a new
battle suit far beyond the capabilities of modern science, because
evidently I'm simply the most intelligent human ever to live. Except
maybe that stretchy guy in Fantastic Four. |
| |
(moments later) |
 |
Success! Now to go kill some muslims. |
|
Dear god no! |
| |
(first of two action scenes) |
|
Surprise! I'm the bad guy! I plan to kill you and
steal your battle suit plans for no reason that is ever sufficiently
explained. |
|
I need to figure out what Jeff Bridges is
planning. I wish there was a way to break into his computer somehow. |
|
Never fear! Not only am I a beautiful assistant,
it turns out I am also a master hacker. |
|
Too late! I have constructed a battle-suit of my
own! Prepare for Mecha Jeff Bridges! |
|
Dayam! |
| |
(second of two action scenes) |
|
Gwyneth Paltrow! Hack into something and make it
explode! |
|
Nooooo! |
|
I guess now I can express my secret, undying love
for you. |
|
That's sweet, but unfortunately I am frigid. |
|
I'm Iron Man. |
 |
DAAN DAAN DAANAANAAAN!!!
DANANANANANANA DAANAANAAAN!!!
|
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Comic book movies are consistently awesome!!
|
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