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Hey there, I'm Nicolas Cage. In this
movie I play a character who has special knowledge of the future. Just
like the last movie I was in. |
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But this is also a deep, philosophical movie
about determinism and faith, death and the afterlife, innocence,
frailty, love and religion. I'm really branching out at this point in
my career. Also there are lots of explosions and special effects. |
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Nicolas Cage, you are a dorky single father
struggling with the responsibility of raising a child you do not
understand, just like in all those other movies where you did that. You
will occasionally say tactless things to me. |
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There is no god and your dead mother is not in
heaven. Uh, scratch that. What I mean to say is that we really don't
know what happens after death. Your mum's totally in heaven. Apart from
that one thing you should really trust science though. If you'll excuse
me I am going to drink myself into a coma now. |
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The sun is made up primarily of hydrogen and
helium. The temperature of the sun is approximately 5,500 degrees on
the surface, and 13 million degrees in the core. If the sun ever
exploded, all life on Earth would perish. This is called foreshadowing.
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I have this really old piece of paper with all
these numbers on it. |
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Hey, I can see 9-11-01 written on this piece of
paper. I will type this into Google because the audience isn't going to
make the connection on their own. |
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So it turns out that this piece of paper contains
the date and location of every disaster to have occurred on Earth over
the past fifty years, and some future ones as well. Why, there's a
disaster set to occur this very day - October 27, 2008. |
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I'm a scientist and I find this wholly
implausible. It's much more plausible that this is a ridiculously long
series of coincidences. That is how science works - we find patterns
and then ignore them. |
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Oh shit! The disaster prediction came true!
Exactly at the time and place the paper specified! Right down to the
exact number of casualties! I saw it with my own eyes, it was horrible!
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Wow, what an interesting but meaningless
coincidence! |
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Hey Nic. It was my mother who wrote all those
numbers down. She was always making prophecies that later came true.
I'll angrily deny this at first but then admit it after you badger me
hard enough. |
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Damn it, I must use this knowledge of the future
to prevent disasters. I refuse to believe in determinism! The future is
not set in stone! This burgening revelation as to my ultimate
ineffectuality regarding the universe from a greater scope is making me
angstyyyyyy! |
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Let us travel to my mother's abandoned shack to
learn more about this mysterious piece of paper. |
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Knowledge gathered there reveals that the last
entry on the paper predicts armageddon. The world will end in January
2009, which makes this movie dated already. |
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Oh shit, I just remembered. A few years ago I
wrote a science report about solar activity. I just realised I forgot
to carry the 1 in one of my equations. Adjusting this error, we find
that the sun is going to explode soon. |
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A computer simulation says it's true, so it's
true. |
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Quick! We need to get into a cave! |
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Are you fucking serious? I mean... yeah, okay,
let's get into a cave. That'll protect us. Whatever. |
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Aaaarrggghhh! This mystery is too much! How
can this paper predict the future? What of religion? What of the abyss
of death and the deterministic universe? What does it all mean? |
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The answer is of course aliens. |
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What! |
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That's right. Deterministic aliens orchestrated
this entire scenario, over a span of fifty years, carefully laying
obscure clues and codes in a convoluted plan to bring you, specifically
you, to this exact location at this exact time, so that we could kidnap
your kids and take them to another planet, thus saving the human race
from extinction when the sun explodes. |
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By the way I'm sorry Nicolas Cage but there's no
room for you on our spaceship. |
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(Here is lots and lots of religious symbolism.) |
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Well, I guess the moral of this story is that you
need to open your mind to spirituality and just have faith. Death is
not the end after all. Even though it is heavily implied that all of
religion throughout history was actually a metaphorical parable seeded
in us by aliens who predicted the future through determinism, and
therefore the actual message completely negates the intended one. |
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