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Hi, Brendan Fraser here! This is yet
another movie about Brendan Fraser being completely fucking
unwatchable. |
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I'm not Rachel Weisz. In fact, I don't even look
remotely like Rachel Weisz. But for some reason, I've been cast as her
after she wisely decided to have nothing to do with this film. |
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Brendan Fraser is getting a little old and the
studio decided that audiences were in danger of not wanting to have sex
with him. So I've been cast to fill the role of Smoldering Teen Lead. |
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I'm an Asian mummy. They have mummies in Asia,
right? |
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I'm a plot device. Jet Li wanted to become
immortal, so to punish him, I cursed him by making him immortal. |
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And I'm the comedy relief, who doesn't actually
have any reason for being in this movie whatsoever. |
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Well, it's a few years since the last film, and
we have fallen into a bit of a rut, what with all the marital bliss and
the riches and the lack of mummies and whatnot. |
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Never fear! I'm a brilliant young archaeologist
with attitude who can totally beat a ninja in hand to hand combat. I've
unearthed a mummy, and- oh shit the mummy has come alive!! |
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Oh no, it's mummies! There are
mummies! I'm in Asia now, and there are mummies
everywhere! |
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For some convoluted reason I have to travel to
Tibet to find the fountain of youth so I can turn into a dragon and
raise an army of easily destructible clay soldiers or something. |
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I will stop you, mummy! I've dealt with mummies
before! Mummies! |
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Oh no, we can't defeat the mummy! He's too
powerful! He's the most dangerous mummy yet! |
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But wait! |
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ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN! |
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Phew! It's a good thing those yetis came along and
fought the mummy! smoulder smoulder
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All this fighting mummies has rekindled my love
for you, Brendan Fraser! Fighting mummies has brought us closer
together. I will express this in my wholly implausible British accent.
Mummies. |
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Surprise! I'm immortal for some reason! I will
battle the mummy and his mummy army by raising more mummies. Many, many
more mummies. |
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Oh shit! Mummies! |
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Also there's a fucking dragon for Christ sakes! |
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Son! Fighting mummies has shown me the power of
family togetherness. Let us destroy this mummy together using our
renewed father-son bond. |
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Yes. |
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Simultanious mummy stab! |
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Noooo! I'm lava now! |
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lol |
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Well, that's another mummy dead! I've defeated so
many mummies! All this mummy killing is making me mummy mummy mummy
mummy mummy mummy mummy. |
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They didn't even fight the fucking dragon!!
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