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All right. I'm J.J. Abrams and I'm
going to make a prequel to the original Star Trek series cast almost
exclusively with part time television actors. |
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Dibs on Kirk. |
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Dibs on Kir- Shit! Okay I'll be Spock. |
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Hey there was a stock Asian character in Star
Trek wasn't there? Can I be that guy? |
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Done! |
|
Okay so I'm a renegade maverick who doesn't play
by the rules. I'm such a badass I was born on a spaceship as it was
exploding. My mother is that chick from House and my Dad is a
dude from Home and Away. Will you sleep with me, attractive
space lady? |
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No. |
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(gets beaten up) |
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Hey, you're a renegade maverick who doesn't play
by the rules. I like that. You should join starfleet academy for no
reason but to further the plot because we have to assume that happens
at some point. |
|
Awesome. I will quickly climb the ranks simply by
being completely obnoxious. The military likes dissidents and
troublemakers. |
| |
Meanwhile! |
|
I am part of an alien race that shuns emotion.
However, my human mother Winona Ryder makes me susceptible to it! I'm
so angsty! I'm going to join starfleet academy and immediately clash
with Kirk. |
 |
I'm from a different alien race that also looks
totally human. My planet was destroyed by a natural event that was
nobody's fault, so I went back in time and formulated a plan to destroy
a whole bunch of planets, thereby punishing people who did nothing
wrong in response to an event that hasn't occurred yet. I have some
idea about what "revenge" means but I clearly don't have a full grasp
on it. |
|
Quick, we have to stop alien Eric Bana! Not you,
Kirk, you're too much of a renegade maverick. |
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I will sneak on board anyway. |
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And then I will give you a promotion. |
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Oh no, alien Eric Bana is attacking my home
planet with his misdirected rage! |
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We will stop him with swordfights. |
| |
FAIL. |
|
(gets beaten up) |
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M-m-my planet! My family! My entire species! All
of them, gone! And yet... I must not show emotion! Even though anyone
who would think less of me for doing so is now dead. |
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Hey Spock. You are captain now. |
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Sweet! Kirk, go to a barren icy wasteland. |
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Ok. |
| |
But wait! |
 |
Hey Kirk, it's me. The original Spock. From the
future. I'm here for fanservice purposes, but also as a lazy story
device. With my knowledge of the future, I am going to hold your hand
through the rest of this movie. Kirk, you have to usurp Spock as the
captain of the Enterprise. |
|
Why? |
|
Because in Star Trek, you are the captain of the
Enterprise. |
|
That's sensible. |
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But first you must locate Scotty, because he is
also a character in Star Trek. |
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Ach! Hoot! Etc. |
|
All right! Now I will maliciously usurp Spock by
being obnoxious to him and baiting him into beating me up. |
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(gets beaten up) |
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Now I will destroy Earth! |
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Not if I easily destroy your superweapon by
shooting it with future guns. |
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Nooo! My revenge! So to speak! You will pay for
this! |
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(gets beaten up) |
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Haha okay but we put a black hole in your
spaceship. |
|
SHI- |
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I guess emotion is pretty cool after all. |
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Oh my god, this movie made me like a zillion
dollars. I guess it's sequel time. |
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Make it so. |
