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Hello, I'm Keanu Reeves. I'm a wooden, emotionless alien entity without the capacity for facial expression or vocal intonation. I am also playing a character in this movie. |
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I've come to Earth because my radical left-wing alien civilisation is upset about the lack of environmentalism on this planet. It is not at all arrogant for Hollywood screenwriters to assume that every alien species in the universe shares their exact political ideology. |
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I'm Jennifer Connelly and I'm way too hot to be a world renowned biologist. I don't actually appear naked in this movie but it's nice to see anyway, isn't it? |
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I'm Will Smith's kid. He threw his weight around in Hollywood long enough to get me cast in movies like this. |
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I'm the US Secretary of State and my purpose is to show how evil, xenophobic and right-wing America is. We're the kind of people who would totally respond to peaceful alien contact with a volley of missiles. |
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Keanu, why are you trying to kill us all? While you answer, I'm just going to rub my tits a little bit. |
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I'm going to kill you because you're making lots of animals extinct and stuff. Life is sacred and special. |
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Keanu, I am sad that my father is dead. |
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Don't be sad, little Will Smith. Your father's atoms and molecules are just being recycled into different forms. Life is not sacred or special in any way. |
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Interesting. Do you have any consistent values or is this just another cheap, awkward and wishy-washy attempt to capitalise on the "green" message? |
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Look bitch, just sign Kyoto or I will fuck up your shit. |
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Here is some Microsoft product placement. |
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Hey, I like you, Keanu Reeves. Even if you are trying to kill us all, I can see that your heart is in the right place. |
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Aww thanks, I like you too. I'm still totally going to kill you though. |
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Do not kill us, Keanu Reeves. |
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Ok. |
