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For your viewing pleasure, this movie is presented entirely in BULLET TIME. |
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Hi, I'm a completely ordinary guy, with an ordinary job and an ordinary life, just like you! |
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Surprise! You're actually a really awesome super-assassin. You see, contrary to modern science, it turns out that gunfighting abilities are genetically predispositioned rather than learned. |
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Ok, cool. |
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I'm the head of a top-secret brotherhood of assassins. I wish to train you to help us kill people for undiscosed reasons. We will do this by basically beating the shit out of you for 40 minutes. |
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Wouldn't this goal be better accomplished by teaching me how to shoot a gun, which by the way I have never done before in my entire life? |
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Fool! Assassins are not made through intense gun training, but rather by many weeks of intense, unrelenting beatings. |
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(many beatings later) |
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Oh wow, I'm a super-assassin!! Can I now track down and kill the shadowy figure who killed my father, who I wish to avenge despite the fact I have never met him and bear no emotional investment in him whatsoever? |
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No. You will assassinate the targets I tell you to kill. Do not ask questions. |
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I'm not sure my morality allows me to kill people if I don't know if they're truly evil. Even then, good and evil are a real grey area. How do we pick our targets? |
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I randomly generate bits of cloth and then scour the pattern of threads. From this I have devised a complex code that reveals to me the identities of future targets. Our commander, you see, is fate itself. |
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There's a word for that, you know. It's called Schizophrenia. |
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No, no, trust me. There is a really deep existential message here. |
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Then I will go forth and murder indiscriminately, in the most far-fetched and overcomplicated way possible. |
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I know I've been an insufferable bitch up until now, but I'm finding myself inexplicably sexually attracted to you. |
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Finally, I have tracked down the man who killed my father. I will take revenge by hurling him, as well as an entire train-load of passengers, off a cliff. Using guns. |
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I thought you had moral convictions. And yet you think nothing of killing several thousand innocent people in an over-the-top CGI action sequence? |
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You have to admit it looked really cool. Now, I must kill some more! But how? My target is obstructed by an obstacle! |
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Curve the bullet. |
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What the fuck? |
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If nobody ever told you that bullets fly straight, what would you do? |
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Defy the laws of physics? |
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Bingo. |
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Success! |
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But wait! |
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Hello there. I'm director M. Night Shyamalan. You will see me whenever a movie contains an unforseen twist ending! |
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Motherfucker! |
