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For your viewing pleasure, this movie is
presented entirely in BULLET TIME. |
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Hi, I'm a completely ordinary guy,
with an ordinary job and an ordinary life, just like you! |
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Surprise! You're actually a really awesome
super-assassin. You see, contrary to modern science, it turns out that
gunfighting abilities are genetically predispositioned rather than
learned. |
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Ok, cool. |
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I'm the head of a top-secret brotherhood of
assassins. I wish to train you to help us kill people for undiscosed
reasons. We will do this by basically beating the shit out of you for
40 minutes. |
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Wouldn't this goal be better accomplished by
teaching me how to shoot a gun, which by the way I have never done
before in my entire life? |
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Fool! Assassins are not made through intense gun
training, but rather by many weeks of intense, unrelenting beatings. |
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(many beatings later) |
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Oh wow, I'm a super-assassin!!
Can I now track down and kill the shadowy figure who killed my father,
who I wish to avenge despite the fact I have never met him and bear no
emotional investment in him whatsoever? |
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No. You will assassinate the targets I tell you
to kill. Do not ask questions. |
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I'm not sure my morality allows me to kill people
if I don't know if they're truly evil. Even then, good and evil are a
real grey area. How do we pick our targets? |
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I randomly generate bits of cloth and then scour
the pattern of threads. From this I have devised a complex code that
reveals to me the identities of future targets. Our commander, you see,
is fate itself. |
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There's a word for that, you know. It's called
Schizophrenia. |
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No, no, trust me. There is a really deep
existential message here. |
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Then I will go forth and murder indiscriminately,
in the most far-fetched and overcomplicated way possible. |
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I know I've been an insufferable bitch up until
now, but I'm finding myself inexplicably sexually attracted to you.
|
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Finally, I have tracked down the man who killed
my father. I will take revenge by hurling him, as well as an entire
train-load of passengers, off a cliff. Using guns. |
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I thought you had moral convictions. And yet you
think nothing of killing several thousand innocent people in an
over-the-top CGI action sequence? |
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You have to admit it looked really cool. Now, I
must kill some more! But how? My target is obstructed by an
obstacle! |
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Curve the bullet. |
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What the fuck? |
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If nobody ever told you that bullets fly
straight, what would you do? |
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Defy the laws of physics? |
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Bingo. |
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Success! |
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But wait! |
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Hello there. I'm director M. Night Shyamalan. You
will see me whenever a movie contains an unforseen twist ending! |
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Motherfucker! |
