This piece was originally written as a guest article for Mack Leighty's Juvenile Comedy website. The site sadly no longer exists and I don't have Mack's final edit of the piece, so here is my original draft.



See what I did there? I replaced one word with another similar-sounding word with a different meaning. This is colloquially known as a pun, and it's widely considered the lowest form of humour. Used in moderation (extreme fucking moderation) the use of a pun can actually be amusing. Most of the time it'll just make people groan, or laugh politely and secretly hate you for the rest of your life.

 

Unfortunately, somewhere along the line, the editors of street newspaper publications got together and decided that every headline they ever write, ever, needs to be a pun.




How many puns can you see here? I count no fewer than five. I wish I made this shit up. It's like the publishers actually have an entire department set up for the exclusive job of writing puns, all day every day. They've made a science out of it. In fact, with the level and intensity of the pun output here, it won't be long before they actually discover the legendary millennial entendre, a phrase laced with so many multiple meanings that it's rumoured that you could recreate the entire history of western literature in a single clause.

 

Like most people, however, I fucking hate puns. Hate them. Like, every time I see one I feel like someone's shredding my face with a cheese grater. You can imagine how I feel when I have a forty minute train ride to and from work, I've left my paperback novel at home, and my choices for entertainment are limited to either engaging in a stare-off competition with the homeless bag-lady across from me, or reading this trash. Every turn of the page is like being punched with a fist made of lava.

 

Let's turn the page and examine the phenomenon further.





Jude Law has two names! That means they can milk him for two whole puns without exhausting the material.

 

I think that every newspaper editor in the entire world has been on the edges of their seats waiting for Jude Law to finally do something illegal. They already jumped the gun a bit when he banged his maid and everyone started going on about the "Law of attraction". But this is gold. Jude Law! Arrested! For breaking… the law! Holy shit!! See, his name is Law! Get it?? Holy fuck! This just about writes itself!




HAHAHAHAHA!!! We're doing a feature on Johnny's fashion sense. What are we going to call it? Well, he was in a movie once called Fear and Loathing, so I think it's a no-brainer. Never mind the fact that a film about a drug-fuelled road trip has little to nothing to do with this article whatsoever, so what was originally intended as a double meaning turns out to be one meaning and another kind of half-meaning that doesn't make a lot of sense. It’s no better than calling it Edward Scissorpants or Pirates of the Collarbean.

 

But wait, there's more! In the very first line they've churned out another one! Johnny plumbs the Depps! That one's really stretching it. But the writer was so proud of himself that he used it again on the front page. High-five, team!



Oh, man! What do you do when you have two awesome puns but only one headline? We couldn't decide, so we used them both! It's about the new Hellboy game, in which you punch things. There are so many pun possibilities here that it's surprising they restricted themselves to two. They didn't even plumb the Depps. Oh, snap! It looks like that boy is having a Hell of a time.




What?? Are you suggesting it's okay for us to cheat on our spouses? Are you mad?

 

Ohhh, wait… Hahaha! It's a pun! I didn't see that one coming. They've got a run of little articles in the sidebar here, what a perfect opportunity to rattle off a whole bunch of puns. They're not just in the headlines. Read closely and you'll hear about an actor who stabbed himself in the leg being praised for his cutting-edge performance. Oh, shit!

 

Imagine if the nail-eating lawyer mentioned in the third piece was actually Jude Law! I think my head would explode!


It seems the editor had a problem with this one. He just wasn't sure whether the readers would detect their clever pun. After much deliberation, they decided to enclose the key word in quotation marks. Do you see it? They also dropped another hint in the tag-line "Branson's E-search". Get it yet? Yeah, I know this can be tricky. Sometimes the art of punmaking can get a little complicated, but stick with me and together we'll get through this.
Ooh! You better wasp out! We're just buzzing with puns today. It's because we're such a bunch of clever cookies. You better bee smart or else our crackerjack jokes will just fly right over your head. I don't mean to make you bite the biscuit here, but our half-baked phrases are just cracking with double-meanings. If you're not careful, you'll be picture of a hand holding a cracker that has wasps baked into it.



"You wanted to see me, sir?"

"Yes, I wanted to talk about your review this week. I liked it, but… how should I put this? We kind of hired you on the condition that each of your pieces is to contain at least one pun."

"Oh…"

"I do see a lot of alliteration in here. That's a nice touch. But it just doesn't have the same punch as a good pun. See, the first three letters of the word punch are p-u-n. I made one just there, and I wasn't even trying. Wait, actually, let me write that down…"

"See, I couldn't really think of any rat-related puns. I did write a good pig-related pun a few years ago when I reviewed Babe. You know… about bringing home the bacon."

"Hehehe… punch… that's great. Oh, what did you say? Yeah… yeah, whatever. Just use that again."


Oh, what's wrong? Not game enough to think up a pun for a story about a horrendous fatal car accident? You fucking pussies. Why not put your money where your mouth is and exploit this for the full extent of its pun potential? I can think up several off the top of my head. What about Lady Crashes Party, Putting End to Her Korea? Are you afraid of true comedy gold? Amateurs.


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